She didn’t know that being calm could be so hard. Never before had she felt the need to cry, scream, fall. It was like four years old again…the age where you finally start to come through and realize that when you’re told no, there isn’t anything you can do about it. She had always liked to have control over things. She had always had it her way. And she never truly abused that privilege. She got what she wanted gratefully, and earned it. She didn’t kick and scream to get her way—it was given to her. It was only natural that when he called her and told her that this was really goodbye, that she would cry. But the amazing thing was that she was able to hang up that phone without any questions, without any yelling or patronizing, without any fighting. She stayed calm, and yes, it was difficult. For someone who had always maintained control, it was hard. The situation spiraled out of her control, and she understood that there was nothing she could do to get her way this time. She felt wronged, of course. Used, abused, hurt, angry, useless. All these things she felt and not one of them did she let show. She maintained a cool countenance so that he would not feel bad. This was truly his fault, and she knew that deep down inside. But some part of her still wanted to take the blame. Some part of her still wanted him to be happy. This had never happened to her before and she found it hard to follow through with. She was no Helen Burns, she believed in Justice. The evil will be punished, and the good rewarded. So when this itty bitty part of her stepped into the light, demanding that she take full blame and do whatever she could, even in heartbreak, to make him happy, she was confused. If he had acted wrongly, then shouldn’t she in turn, wrong him? It was a simple philosophy, and she wished that it could be right. But it wasn’t right. She had to let go of what he had done to her. She had to be caring, loving, and kind. She knew this, but being as stubborn as she was, she did not want it. She wanted revenge for the pain she felt. In the end, she thought of his smile. She thought of his laugh and how he had held her and walked with her and listened to her. She thought of herself then, up in the clouds, while her world was in shambles. She felt more pain than ever now, realizing that he was perfect. She thought of him, and suddenly, she knew. To let go is practical, to cling to, irrational. She had to let go, for her own sake. And so she did. He deserved happiness, and so did she. Only time can tell if they will ever find each other again.
